Zombie Eikaiwa

English of the Dead...



I must get my hands on this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that, when it really counts, I still can't write proper English. Seriously, how much do you want to bet that this is harder for native English speakers than Japanese. For one, they write their numbers funny. If you don't write "1" or "7" the "right" way, it is illegibly wrong. I have seriously had people question me about what I wrote. I am worthless at the Japanese version of brain training because of this. (That, and rock paper scissors kicks my ass when the words are different because it's so ingraining in my psyche as stationary words.)

Watch this video. It's so money. I love the way the boxes kind of look like censored boxes. Don't look now kids, there's "VIOLENCE" between this Zombie's legs.

I don't think some of these creatures are real zombie's. The guy with the French hat, definitely. The monkey dead-lifting bananas, pretty sure not. Is that zombie hooker Metallo after ballet class.... maybe.... Plus there's baby zombie being held by a scientist with a bottle of slime, and by-the-sea zombie just hoping to the heaven's above that God would bring her a zombie with two arms still left to hold her.

You should all try this in California for the illegals. Make it up like the day of the dead. It'll be like Grim Fandango only with less English and more mariachi.... and lots of gun violence. So, pretty much LA on a normal day, except it will teach you how to hold up a shop and swear at cops in ENGLISH. It's a start.

I'D play it if they made a Japanese of the Dead. It would be hard to translate though. I'm sure "zombie" in Japanese is probably "Undead foreign devils". It would be insensitive to be too literal. So they would clear things up by being more specific: undead Korean and Chinese foreign devils. You know, exclude the cute foreigners and just go for the annoying ones that take all their jobs. (i.e. Non English teaching jobs)

It's weird how this topic has evolved. But speaking of English teaching jobs. It's really interesting to see all the changes happening in there. Doesn't seem like as many people are interested. It used to be the prime ministry for churches here, but it just doesn't draw the numbers anymore. The top Eikaiwa (English school) over here went belly up a few months back, too. As I understand it, it had a lot to do with corrupt business practices. But still, it's interesting. I've even heard that the government is re-thinking a lot of the state-sponsored JET program.

It seems to me that the fetish with English has to die sooner or later, and it may be happening in this generation. Maybe that game is a weird id-level catharsis or something. There will always be people interested en English, though. Too many movies made in the States. But I really don't know how an industry like this can last when everybody spends tons of money to learn a language, but aren't interested in traveling overseas or using it at all.

It's a weird obsession if you think about it. It's like taking tons of ballroom dancing classes and never going out to dance. In some cases, it's like even refusing to dance at the lessons and just taking notes. But they keep coming back.

Many teachers can't even speak English. Joy's got some creepy stories about Japanese professors correcting her English. I've seen some of her written assignments too. Imagine getting getting a grammar quiz like this:

What is the passed tense of funny?
a. funnied
b. funned
c. funzied
d. funniest

I'd look at this and say "D is the only one I recognize, maybe the question is wrong?" Then Joy would explain that her teacher is an idiot. So I'd try to use some "English intuition" and advise that she try A, also thinking B might be a possibility... but it, of course, turns out to be C. Not only does she get it wrong, but everyone who didn't get it right is called an idiot by the teacher. And he corrects her accent.

You know what, the joke here is on the Japanese. You are the zombie. Many of you don't know why you even want to learn English. You never evaluate how effective your learning has been. You never use what you learn. Buying oxygen in a can is more cost effective than the way many people try to learn English over here. They aren't all bad, but nobody cares either way. They just shell out cash on the promise.

You are the zombie. The monsters in this game aren't zombies crying out for your brains. They know you never use use yours and it won't taste good. Those noises are the sound of them laughing at you for buying this game thinking you will learn any real English from it.

Birthday

I'd like to first continue with the theme of my last post by exploiting linguistic differences. This time in Japanese.

A few months ago I started noticing my kids saying "K-Y" to each other. This is usually followed by lots of giggling. Now, if I were in America, I would know EXACTLY why they were giggling, but I have a hard time believing it's the same thing here. (For those of you who didn't have f-ed up bosses (hugs John) that talked about it constantly, it's lube... yeah... that kind of lube.)

Turns out it stands for 空気読めない (kuuki yomenai) which literally means "You cannot read the sky (or air space)." A rough equivalents would be "Get a clue." You say it when someone just doesn't get it. Either they jumped into the conversation late, missed the point, or just can't read the writing on the wall, you say "K-Y!!" and everybody giggles.

Everybody wait for Joy to comment on how I totally got it wrong... wait for it...

For those of you that don't know, today is my birthday, and I wanted to tell you I had a great weekend!

Ben came over Friday. We played HeroQuest and he stayed over the night. He rolled his first D20 and ROLLED A 20! It was hot, especially because he said, "I roll twenties" just before rolling it. It was sexy. Joy came over Saturday and we all drank "blue potions" as we watched the first two Harry Potter movies. MOST EXCELLENT! I am quickly turning into a big fan of this stuff. I should get the fourth book soon. We all went online and took the official sorting hat test. Joy, Ben and I are all Ravenclaws. Officially. I expect my letter by owl any day now... any time...

Tammy sent me a present. The funny thing is that I also got her Christmas present yesterday too. It was sent to my old apartment and it has taken all this time to find it's way here. Two presents from two seperate holidays on the SAME DAY! WOOT!

It was mostly awesome things like PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!! And not just the sissy kind. We're talking the mega awesome seasonal kind. I have a Christmas tree, and the easter egg kind. Also, pop rocks, peeps, snickers, pez, and ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT SEASON 3!!

Tammy rocks. Everybody try not to throw food at her today, unless she is REALLY asking for it. Maybe even... give her a hug or something...

I also got a few things from Ben. The chocolate is rather good chocolate. I will enjoy it... maybe, if Joy lets me have some. The other thing is shaped like poop. Some kind of poop candy in there. There is a theme here I find most disturbing.

He also got me this awesome journal. It is like myspace the BOOK. As in, it is an actual book. It is for BEST FRIENDS ONLY! That means sort of friends will not be in this book. So don't ask. Only BEST friends.

I think that cowgirl is the book's equivalent of Tom. Anyways, each page is a "profile" page. You fill in important facts like favorite color and what boys they like. You know, critical networking information. Totally awesome.

That girl looks just like Jenny.

More Cell Phone Straps!

I finally got a chance to get out and find some killer cell phone straps. I made my way to the Village Vanguard in Saidaiji. This place is like Hot Topic on crack. It's awesome.

This person is "Hard Gay". Yes, that is how he bills himself. He dresses like and does lots of pelvic maneuvers in inappropriate places. He's a Japanese TV meme. I have no other way of describing him.

Giving blood?






Lots of Kewpies. (Pronounced Q-pees)






Strange, fruity Kewpies






Sesame Street Kewpies.





I think this one is the most disturbing.







Troll thingies. I liked the rasta one.







Because everybody knows that all pretty CHINESE girls are bondage fetishists.







I really like pandas. Especially pandas with giant holes in their stomach so you can see all the food they have just consumed. It would have been better if there has been one of those Kewpie babies in there. This is like some lame Chinese health food ad. "The bear of our glorious ancestors only eats the most harmonizing fresh fruits and ve-ge-ta-bles.







This sort of reminds me of the health meats that would fly out of recently deceased enemies in old 8-bit Nintendo games.






Yeah, it's a tiny golden pig in a jar. It rattles around too, so it has this tendency to lay on it's back. Awesome.







Another disturbing food/animal strap. When you pull on the string at the bottom, it opens up like a fish fillet.







Miscellaneous insanity

Cell Phone Straps

Some of you get Tammy's Random Email. For those of you that know Tammy, but don't get her email, you're missing out. It is like one of those crappy emails your weird aunt or mom forwards about troops, or web fraud, or one of those lame poems...

...except that it is AWESOME!

If somewhere out there at one point was like, "Hey guys, I have this idea! People can send emails, and they will be righteous. They will, in fact, be so righteous that the people who receive them will forward them to everyone they know, and there will be fraternity and awesomeness everywhere."

Then his friend was like, "You're dumb. People are dumb. It will be corrupted by pyramid schemes and LOLCATS."

Well, her emails are like the best case scenario of that mans dream. They may, in fact, be the only truly good example of an email newsletter ever.

Now that I'm done kissing ass, I am ready to announce my eligibility in the competition she began with her last email. Admittedly, this is not the best I could probably come up with, but I have to participate.

The challenge is to bring forth the coolest cell phone straps you can find. Well, Japan is the Jerusalem of cell phone straps, so I have been excited to participate. Unfortunately, I have tried several times to get out to Kyoto where I could find some really good ones, but have not had time. So, I am going to post the ones I have been able to find around town. As soon as I can, I'll get some more and put them up.