Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Zombie Eikaiwa

English of the Dead...

I must get my hands on this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that, when it really counts, I still can't write proper English. Seriously, how much do you want to bet that this is harder for native English speakers than Japanese. For one, they write their numbers funny. If you don't write "1" or "7" the "right" way, it is illegibly wrong. I have seriously had people question me about what I wrote. I am worthless at the Japanese version of brain training because of this. (That, and rock paper scissors kicks my ass when the words are different because it's so ingraining in my psyche as stationary words.)

Watch this video. It's so money. I love the way the boxes kind of look like censored boxes. Don't look now kids, there's "VIOLENCE" between this Zombie's legs.

I don't think some of these creatures are real zombie's. The guy with the French hat, definitely. The monkey dead-lifting bananas, pretty sure not. Is that zombie hooker Metallo after ballet class.... maybe.... Plus there's baby zombie being held by a scientist with a bottle of slime, and by-the-sea zombie just hoping to the heaven's above that God would bring her a zombie with two arms still left to hold her.

You should all try this in California for the illegals. Make it up like the day of the dead. It'll be like Grim Fandango only with less English and more mariachi.... and lots of gun violence. So, pretty much LA on a normal day, except it will teach you how to hold up a shop and swear at cops in ENGLISH. It's a start.

I'D play it if they made a Japanese of the Dead. It would be hard to translate though. I'm sure "zombie" in Japanese is probably "Undead foreign devils". It would be insensitive to be too literal. So they would clear things up by being more specific: undead Korean and Chinese foreign devils. You know, exclude the cute foreigners and just go for the annoying ones that take all their jobs. (i.e. Non English teaching jobs)

It's weird how this topic has evolved. But speaking of English teaching jobs. It's really interesting to see all the changes happening in there. Doesn't seem like as many people are interested. It used to be the prime ministry for churches here, but it just doesn't draw the numbers anymore. The top Eikaiwa (English school) over here went belly up a few months back, too. As I understand it, it had a lot to do with corrupt business practices. But still, it's interesting. I've even heard that the government is re-thinking a lot of the state-sponsored JET program.

It seems to me that the fetish with English has to die sooner or later, and it may be happening in this generation. Maybe that game is a weird id-level catharsis or something. There will always be people interested en English, though. Too many movies made in the States. But I really don't know how an industry like this can last when everybody spends tons of money to learn a language, but aren't interested in traveling overseas or using it at all.

It's a weird obsession if you think about it. It's like taking tons of ballroom dancing classes and never going out to dance. In some cases, it's like even refusing to dance at the lessons and just taking notes. But they keep coming back.

Many teachers can't even speak English. Joy's got some creepy stories about Japanese professors correcting her English. I've seen some of her written assignments too. Imagine getting getting a grammar quiz like this:

What is the passed tense of funny?
a. funnied
b. funned
c. funzied
d. funniest

I'd look at this and say "D is the only one I recognize, maybe the question is wrong?" Then Joy would explain that her teacher is an idiot. So I'd try to use some "English intuition" and advise that she try A, also thinking B might be a possibility... but it, of course, turns out to be C. Not only does she get it wrong, but everyone who didn't get it right is called an idiot by the teacher. And he corrects her accent.

You know what, the joke here is on the Japanese. You are the zombie. Many of you don't know why you even want to learn English. You never evaluate how effective your learning has been. You never use what you learn. Buying oxygen in a can is more cost effective than the way many people try to learn English over here. They aren't all bad, but nobody cares either way. They just shell out cash on the promise.

You are the zombie. The monsters in this game aren't zombies crying out for your brains. They know you never use use yours and it won't taste good. Those noises are the sound of them laughing at you for buying this game thinking you will learn any real English from it.

1 comment:

Commander X said...

... I like the zombie torso being carried by bats. It funzied!