Here is one of those news articles that sounds far more like science fiction than reality. It's like that show "Beyond 2000". It's a report not about whiny and lame humans as they exist now, but it's more like a report from THE FUTURE. I love the tone in the best of these stories. They sound a lot like those Popular Science pieces. "See everybody, this is how awesome we will all soon be!! It's that awesome!!!"
The video wasn't working earlier, but you can get the link to a working one here. The video is only so so, but I haven't watched it with sound. So maybe if it's Darth Vader narrating it, it will be more awesome.
Isreal has made a big laser that literally blows missiles out of the sky.
Can I hear an amen?
That's right. Totally awesome. But they haven't implemented it in the nations defense scheme yet. So, a bunch of recently bombed Israelis have sued the government for not protecting them enough.
I think these guys are on to something. No, not the scientists and black wizards that have collaborated with the ancient gods to make the deathray, but with the awesome people with the audacity to sue the government for not installing a deathray in their backyard. Let me say that again:
They are suing the government for not putting a deathray in their neighborhood.
WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT???
Seriously, I want to sue the government for depriving my hometown of AWESOMENESS. We are all not awesome enough, and you, the government, are keeping all the awesomeness to yourself. Please install a DEATHRAY in our backyard.
This isn't about defense. This is about the necessary evolution of the species. Without some serious redistribution and research into making more awesomeness for all, we are all in big trouble. Do we all want to end up looking like giant whales that roll from place to place and absorb nutrients through our skin because we can't reach our mouths anymore?
I vote for floating around in the lotus position with a giant cranium and cooking my food with laser vision. HELL YES! The only way this is going to happen is if our government gets ON THE BALL. I'm talking teleporters, moon stations, and FRICKING DEATHRAYS. And I'm talking NOW.
This is an important election year. That is, everybody sucks and I for one can't tell the difference between any of the front runners. We need to find out where these candidates stand on awesomeness.
So, pretty much the only way we're going to win is if Chuck Norris round house kicks (p)Huckabee and runs himself, with the resurrected ghost of Nicola Tesla as his running mate. He was born in Croatia, but I think we can get around that if we make sure he is resurrected in the United States.
Get on this people!!
Update (3/14/08):
We ARE making lasers!! Weeeeeee!!
But this is still not good enough. $540 million dollars is a pitance. We spent $294 billion on WELFARE. The entire science budget for the US government was only $25 billion.
As a wise man once said, give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him to cook it with laser vision, and he will be awesome for a lifetime. We would do well to remember this.
5 comments:
Message to science: "C'mon guys, let's get on the stick." I mean, honestly, lasers are cool and all, but forget that noise; I have lasers in my DVD player. That's very 1999. To get to the FUTURE, we have to go back even further into the past: 65 million years into the past, by way of 1993. Crichton and Spielberg already showed us how to make dinosaurs; why the heck aren't velociraptors fighting the war in Iraq? Why aren't they defending our homes and our schools? I'm suing for THAT.
That's dangerous man. You saw how that movie turned out. If they release the raptors it'll be the end of the world.
And I'm not talking just lasers, I'm talking freaking death rays.
Compromise: We build both, and use the death ray to exterminate the raptors after we are finished with them.
OR we strap the death rays to the dinosaurs, retreat to our Moon Base, and watch the fun.
Yeah, i'm still waiting for my laser cannon to show up... I ordered it weeks ago too.
That'll teach me to go for dodgy imports.
That said, my robot army/time machine combo are doing well, so I can't really complain.
You haven't forgotten that only genetic material can successfully go through time, have you? Unless you take that factor into account your time traveling could become a very expensive endeavor.
That's why I've been going with genetically modified people/guppy/coyotes. You have to pay for the meds and cocaine and stuff. Also, the startup costs are expensive (initial planetary enslavement). But after that, it just pays for itself.
Like that singer said, feed them crack, and let them lead the way. But robots are still a must for some situations. You have to diversify your portfolio of death agents.
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